Are You Letting Yourself Be Fully You?

Posted on | June 21, 2011 | 24 Comments

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Authenticity.

I’m getting seriously tired of that word.

It’s everywhere.

I admit I use it too—way too much. And everywhere I turn, I find an article about it. Bloggers are wringing the juice out of the concept.

Yeah, I get it. I need to be authentic.

You get it too, don’t you? You strive to be authentic, right?

You probably do. People who don’t give a rip about being authentic rarely read blogs like this one.

But are you REALLY being authentic?

I’d be willing to bet Ducky (and you all know how much I love Ducky) that you’re not being as authentic as you think you are. You probably are more authentic than you used to be, but you may be stuck at a new level of authenticity that isn’t quite the real deal.

Acceptable Authenticity

I’ve recently realized I haven’t been nearly as authentic as I claim I am. Sure, I’ve made uncommon life choices. Yes, I buck the trends and the acceptable ways to live. But am I totally free to do things my way?

Heck, no.

I have achieved what I now understand is “acceptable authenticity.”

Acceptable authenticity is being authentic within the bounds of what other people will see as okay. You’re being yourself, but you’re not being SO much of yourself that others will thing you’ve dropped off the deep end and landed on a slide that will lead you right into the loony bin.

When I say “other people,” I mean the people you have chosen to have in your life. The funny thing about authenticity is that when we set out to be authentic, instead of truly standing on our own, we just change peer groups. We leave behind a group that wouldn’t like what we’re doing and find a group that “gets us.” But then, we find ourselves trying to fit within that new group.

Not long ago, I had a conversation with a friend who has a blog. She told me about some paranormal experiences she had and said she was thinking about sharing them with her readers—a group of people she’s consciously chosen and attracted based on her “authentic” way of being. “But I don’t want people to think I’m a kook,” she said.

Not long after that, I was thinking about writing a post about parallel realities and Bashar, who I mentioned when I wrote about following your highest excitement, and I caught myself thinking the same thing my friend did—I don’t want my readers (people who wouldn’t be here if they weren’t drawn to the “authentic” me) to think I’m a kook.

The Kook Test

This desire to be an Anti-Kook is one we all have. No one wants people to think they’re crazy or stupid or silly or any of those other “negative” words we use to describe people who have taken leave of their senses.

Even people who pride themselves on being “out there” don’t want to seem TOO out there. They only want to be out there enough to fit with the others who are out there with them.

So we all have this sort of internal Kook Test we apply to what we do. We ask ourselves, “What will they think if I do this?” “They” are the peers we’ve chosen to fit in with.

It’s reasonable and understandable that we do this. We all want to be loved and respected, and we think we need to avoid kook status to have that love and respect.

But the kook test is a barrier to full authenticity. It’s a box that keeps us from fully being who we are.

The Truth About Kookiness

Where would we be without the kooks? Really?

Let’s think of just a few: Galileo, Columbus, the Wright Brothers, Thomas Edison, Henry Ford.

Kooks. Every single one of them. Total lunatics.

I don’t know about you, but I’d like to be a part of that lunatic club.

The truth is that kookiness is a necessary part of brilliance, innovation, and genius. Kookiness is the foundation of achievement and wonder.

Kookiness is the key to fully being who you are. AND THEREFORE, kookiness is what will get you love and respect … and joy.

Ticket To Joy

The only love and respect you really need is your own. If you have that, you won’t need or want anyone else’s love and respect.

If you get it, great. But you won’t need it.

And once you have that love and respect, you also have joy. Nothing gets you to full-on, want to whoop at the top of your lungs and dance a jig joy better than feeling suffused with love and respect.

Think about it. Really think about it. Don’t you do much of what you do because, at the core, you think these things will bring you love and respect?

Can you imagine how awesome you’d feel if you had all the love and respect you need NOW?

In order to get that level of feel good, you have to be you and only you.

You have to stop caring one tiny bit about whether someone thinks something you’re doing, saying, or believing is kooky … or “wrong.”

You have to care about one thing and one thing only: does what you’re doing and being feel right to YOU.

I’ve started living that way, and I have to tell you that it feels darn good. I’m pretty sure it’s a feeling similar to what Ducky feels when I take her to the beach and unhook her from the leash.

It’s a free-flowing rush.

And I believe it leads to greatness.

I’ll let you know how that unfolds for me.

In the meantime, I encourage you to take a look at how authentic you’re letting yourself be. Are you still caring about what someone thinks of how you look or how you sound? Do you care about whether someone thinks what you do is good or not? Do you care if someone thinks your beliefs are insane?

Be really honest here. It’s easy to say you don’t care but then feel the pinch in your gut after someone disapproves or criticizes you, that pinch that tells you that you DO care.

If you are still looking to others (even if it’s a select group of others) to give you parameters of okayness, here’s how to shift to inner okayness:

1. Imagine that you live in a world where there is only one entity you HAVE to please. (Hint: you do live in such a world.) Think of this person as The Boss Of You.

2. Make that person look like you.

3. Imagine that The Boss Of You doesn’t speak but instead communicates his or her approval or disapproval by making you feel either good or bad. If you feel good, The Boss Of You likes what you’re doing or thinking. If you feel bad, The Boss Of You doesn’t like what you’re doing or thinking.

4. Now use that feel good/feel bad system to replace the Kook Test.

Note that this is an entirely internal system that has nothing to do with what anyone else thinks of what you’re doing.

When you live like this, you’re being authentic. And you never need to use that word or read an article about authenticity ever again.

It comes down to this:

You are YOU and all you have to do is DO YOU STUFF. And nothing else matters.

Here’s a fun video to help you get the hang of it:

Fast Tube by Casper

What do you think? Have you achieved real authenticity or acceptable authenticity? Have you already thrown out the Kook Test? If not, are you ready to let it go?

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pf button Are You Letting Yourself Be Fully You?

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Comments

24 Responses to “Are You Letting Yourself Be Fully You?”

Debbie Hampton
June 21st, 2011 @ 7:44 pm

This is so true. I know I am only as authentic as I allow myself to be within the confines of what is still acceptable.

I just quit painting my toenails recently. I know that seems trivial, but, in a society where almost all feminine toenails are finished and in sandal season no less, it is really hard for me NOT to do this…. because of what I have been conditioned to think female feet should look like… because I don’t want others to think my feet are ugly or unkept.

There is this girl at yoga and she does not shave at all. She has the hair on her legs and under her arms like a man. I think of her as so brave!
Debbie Hampton recently posted..In The Blink Of An Eye
Ande
Twitter: andewaggener

June 21st, 2011 @ 10:07 pm

Well said, Debbie, and great examples. “Within the confines of what is still acceptable” … yes, that’s what most of us do. I totally get the toenail thing. I stopped painting mine 3 years ago, and it was a big deal. And I agree that the unshaven woman is very brave and authentic. Being truly authentic means ignoring the cultural expectations.
Mel
June 23rd, 2011 @ 2:53 am

Ande,

LOVE the picture of the cat! That’s great. And the video was very cute & funny. Good job. Had to laugh a bit as I read this one & took a trip done memory lane. You’ll recall how different (or authentic I guess!) I was when I started school in Virginia. Nobody wanted anything to do w/me for the longest time & I didn’t have many friends the whole time I was there. But, after you & a couple of others got to know me & I you, we became great friends & stay in touch to this day. Keep up the good work.
Donna
Twitter: donnaonthebeach

June 24th, 2011 @ 11:28 am

I think this is a spectrum of authenticity – you move ever closer to really authentically being you. What’s helped me lately is putting on Facebook what I’m looking forward to and what has been the best part of my week or weekend, and when I remember, some favourite things. Sometimes these are things I love the world to know, sometimes I’m a bit embarrassed, but I’m ‘keeping it real’ anyway and sharing that I’m a complete geek at times. And what’s really great is that so far, the more real I am when I share, the happier I am to be me. You’re right, it feels good to be me! xx
Donna recently posted..OnTheBeach – Push, Push, Push
Ande
Twitter: andewaggener

June 24th, 2011 @ 12:54 pm

Hi Mel! I do recall how authentic you were when we first met (and still are), and it was what drew me to you. I loved how real you were and I still do! Thanks for sharing that here because it makes such an important point–it’s better to have just a couple who love you for who you are than a 100 who love the idea of who you’re trying to be.
Ande
Twitter: andewaggener

June 24th, 2011 @ 12:56 pm

Hi Donna–thanks for sharing the story of how you’re being real on Facebook and really sharing what you love. That is one of the things we often hold back–letting people know what we really love. I still get odd looks from people when I tell them I spent 2 hours watching the rain, but I don’t care. I’d rather watch rain than do a thousand other things that are “hip and cool.” And you’re so right that the more real you are, the happier you are!
Bea
July 6th, 2011 @ 12:14 am

Ande, this post brought tears to my eyes, especially as I read the part on how to shift to ‘inner okayness’. I realise that so many times I live a beautiful lie, and for what reason, I now wonder.

I am so appreciative of this post, as it makes ‘being my truth’ so much more clearer. The only person I really live for is me and if I do not do that which makes me happy, I am not really being; I am just living.

This is simple enough to understand, but I am shifting a bit to talk of a situation I face at work occasionally.

I work in banking and I started off with a great interest and love for what I do. Someitmes, I am with colleagues who know more on the subject than me (there are some guys who are really good), I start to feel inadequate and think….. maybe this is not what I should be doing as I really cannot contribute so much, so I am not very useful here….. you get the spiral I go down.

In the process, though I initially did like the work I do and may even be good at it, I start to feel that if I am more authentic, I will find what I really should be doing something else and then nothing pops up and so I feel low…..it is kind of hard.

Of course I do get back on as I do look for better feeling thoughts and appreciation and completeness.

However, I ask how I can bring the awareness of good feeling thoughts and joy into practice; at the same time realising that there are great opportunities to learn and it is all an unfolding and I am in no real competition with anyone.

Woudl love to hear what you ahve to say on this Ande.

Cheers and joy

Bea
Ande
Twitter: andewaggener

July 6th, 2011 @ 8:17 pm

Hi Bea. Thanks for sharing your experience. I think it’s a great example of the mess we can make when we start comparing ourselves with others–what they know, what they’re doing, etc. I am very familiar with this because I have many times done what you’re describing. But the key to what you’re saying is in what you said here: “I started off with a great interest and love for what I do.” When you feel that way, you are in sync with your inner being. And when you’re in sync with your inner being, you are offering the world the most powerful gift you can possibly offer: alignment with source. All the knowledge in the world can’t stack up against alignment with source. And when it comes to comparing you with someone else, the only comparison that counts is comparing the physical you and how you feel with the inner YOU and how she thinks. It is quite possible you are exactly where you are and the gift you offer, though maybe it’s not the know-how that your colleagues have, is essential to your company and those you interact with.

I think the best game we can play is “being me,” and the best question we can ask is, “am I up to speed with ME.”
JenP
July 17th, 2011 @ 2:27 am

I read a lovely book about a woman who had the courage to be true to herself – Men, Money and Chocolate by Menna Van Praag! Highly recommended. I thought it was just chick lit but it was so much more!
JenP recently posted..Two weeks of paid employment left….
Douglas Prater
Twitter: douglasprater

July 17th, 2011 @ 1:25 pm

Ande,

This is something that I’ve been thinking about and struggling with quite a bit lately. I’ve been struggling to “find my voice” and build the courage to write my truth. I’ve wasted too much of my life trying to impress people, building a “character”, instead of letting people see who I am and what I think.

The problem starts when we’re very young. We’re taught that our opinions don’t matter, and our voices don’t count. We’re scolded for challenging the status quo. We learn not to rock the boat, to be conscious of our image, to conform.

And that’s a huge barrier to living a fulfilling life.

I really appreciate the way you framed the problem: Even when we’re being our authentic selves, we don’t want to be “too” far out, lest we be judged and condemned by our “new tribe.”

I think I’ll ditch the “kook test” from now on, and apply your four step formula instead; it’s a much better system.

Thanks for writing this, I needed it.

-Douglas
Douglas Prater recently posted..Write with Heart, Tin Man
Ande
Twitter: andewaggener

July 17th, 2011 @ 3:20 pm

Hi Douglas. Thanks for sharing your thoughts about authenticity. You are so right that we are trained out of our true selves when we’re young. And the training never ends. We’re constantly pushed and molded to conform–even when we’re being told to be “independent.” I’m glad you like the four step formula. I’ve found it to be the key to real freedom!
Ande
Twitter: andewaggener

July 17th, 2011 @ 3:21 pm

Thanks for sharing the book title, Jen!
Lorna
August 27th, 2011 @ 7:40 pm

Hi Ande
I am missing your blog posts and notice you haven’t posted since June. Is everything OK? Know that you – and Ducky – are missed and your writing is appreciated.
Lorna
Ande
Twitter: andewaggener

August 28th, 2011 @ 6:14 pm

Thank you, Lorna, for missing me. I appreciate knowing that Ducky and I are missed.

My last blog post was a wake-up call for me, one that revealed that I was most definitely NOT being authentically me but was rather playing at being authentically me. I discovered that authentic me had no desire to keep up a blog and do all the things that go along with promoting a blog. So I rather unceremoniously stopped and started instead following my whims. So far, my whims haven’t included writing a blog post to explain what I’m doing, but they probably will at some point.

I hope you’ve had a wonderful, fun summer!!
Donna
Twitter: donnaonthebeach

August 29th, 2011 @ 10:30 am

yes, thanks Lorna…I was only thinking the other day ‘I wonder how Ande is’ and ta-da! Ask and it is given! Glad you’re having fun with some whimsy Ande. xxx
Donna recently posted..Having a Bad Day?
Debbie Hampton
August 29th, 2011 @ 11:13 am

I have also been wondering. Glad to hear you are doing well and putting your time and energy to other uses to benefit you! Blessings.
Debbie Hampton recently posted..Bad Things Do Happen To Good People
Ande
Twitter: andewaggener

August 30th, 2011 @ 12:42 am

Thank you, Debbie and Donna. It’s nice to be in your thoughts!!
Bea
September 30th, 2011 @ 3:32 am

Good to hear you are having a lovely summer. Do miss your posts; but I am so glad you are following your heart and mind
Ande
Twitter: andewaggener

September 30th, 2011 @ 6:00 pm

Thank you, Bea! I hope you are doing well!
Bea
March 22nd, 2013 @ 7:51 am

Dear Ande,

I know this is not related to your blog, but I have been wondering about Karen Money Willams who used to write brilliant stuff on “Abraham Fun” I have tried for a while to locate her but can’t find anything. I also email her a few times but the mails bounce back.
I ask you as you were also a follower of her blog. Please do let me know.

I hope you are doing well… and looking fwd to a beautiful spring.

Thanks so much.

Love and joy,

Bea
Ande
Twitter: andewaggener

March 22nd, 2013 @ 11:47 am

Hi Bea, it’s lovely to hear from you. Karen decided to stop blogging, and she just posts her thoughts on her Facebook group page, Abraham Fun: http://www.facebook.com/groups/AbrahamFun/?ref=ts&fref=ts If you’re not on Facebook, I can get an e-mail to her for you. If you use the contact form on my site here, http://upfromsplat.com/contact/ to e-mail me, I’ll forward your e-mail to Karen for you.

I hope you are well too. big virtual hugs, Ande
Bea
March 23rd, 2013 @ 5:18 am

Thnx Thnx Thnx Ande for your response.I am so happy to connect with Karen again. I just went on to FB and sent her a request to join the group.

Do you also post on FB, if so I would like to join your group too.Do let me know.

I hope you and Ducky are doing awesome.

Your virtual hug was wonderful… here is warm hug back. Do you know… a hug is a perfect gift for all occasions… One size fits all

Love and joy always..

Bea
Ande
Twitter: andewaggener

March 23rd, 2013 @ 10:23 am

I’m glad you joined Karen’s group. She posts lots of great things there, and it’s a supportive group. I don’t have any active groups on FB (I have groups, but I don’t keep up with them). I’m currently occasionally posting on my author’s site: andrearainswaggener.com but I haven’t posted there in awhile either. I began following Bashar’s advice to live by following your “highest excitement,” and lately, that hasn’t including writing blogs.

I agree that a hug is a perfect give. So I’m sending another hug. I’m sure I’ll “see” you in Karen’s group.
Mike
April 22nd, 2013 @ 10:26 am

Well you lost the bet

I had been trying to be authentic for over seven years until one day I had the metaphorical leap of faith in to total effortless authenticity. You see TRYING to be authentic is not authentic but rather you trying to be an image of authenticity that your mind has constructed.

My leap of faith was as scary as jumping off a very high ledge. I promised myself that I would be authentic no matter what. If I had to kill or be killed or be jailed or totally rejected by everyone I loved then I would still do it. Unless someone is willing to be authentic no matter what then they are still fitting in.

Being totally authentic is not easy as if you don’t try then you fail but if you do then you are being false.

Real authenticity is about being in a state of oneness or non-duality. You flow effortlessly. Whenever someone has to think about being authentic then that is also not real authenticity. Yes it is tricky to reach that state!

Up From Splat

From SPLAT to SPECTACULAR: How To Get Back Up When Life Slams You Down

Are You Letting Yourself Be Fully You?

Acceptable Authenticity

The Kook Test

The Truth About Kookiness

Ticket To Joy

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